Lately I’ve been trying to hold it all in, to act as though it doesn’t effect me on an emotional level. The reality is, yes, it is effecting me deeply.
My oldest sister, no matter how insanely irritating she can be with her selfish and stubborn ways is very ill. Each day she is looking as though she’s getting closer to deaths door. She’s still up and walking, talking, but she’s barely eating or sleeping. She’s rail thin and her hair is falling out. Dark circles remain under her eyes instead of going away like they used to.
I’m not blind to the reasons why she is dying of cancer. It could have been preventable. I know that even if she was able to go back in time and tell herself that if she continued on her path that she would end up ill that she would probably still do it all again.
Cancer is an evil evil thing that destroys your body in a way that your pain shows on the outside. No one should ever have to go through such a terrible thing, no matter how bad of a person you’ve been in life.
The worst part of all of this is having to watch two people suffer. Kim from the cancer and my mother from having to watch her daughter die.
She told me this morning in tears over the phone that “when your kids are sick, you’re supposed to be able to fix it”.
Life’s harsh sometimes and I know I’ll get on a happier level in time. But for now, I have to allow myself to bawl like a baby when I reflect on statements like the one my mom made this morning.
